Did I sign up for this?

Who says,"Yeah I want to wake up  in a house with children ALONE!" Who signs up to struggle everyday working to pay bills and not see the children that you work so hard to support? Who signs up to hope that you make just enough to make the rent but not enough so that you still receive some type of government assistance. Who loves the lonely feeling that creeps over you as you try to clear the lump in your throat as you look into these innocent eyes that feel left and unloved. It ALWAYS feels like your fault! ALWAYS! How many ,"No's", do you hand out because there is no check showing up at the first of the month from daddy. How may doctors appointments and countless school activities are enjoyed solo? Television cannot sum up this feeling of "empty" that is the word,"single Mother!" THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!! Babies don't get here alone by a miracle. There needs to be a vaccine for this epidemic. I am tired of hearing that speech about how mom made the difference cause she struggled to do it for us all alone!!!! There should not be a "struggle".

I am done.

Never say never

I closed my eyes and there it was

The thing I said I could and should do without

I let myself forget 

I stopped breathing

It was too hard to admit that I missed that part of me

I thought I was over it

Feelings buried under feelings 

let it go

never say never

The Last Request

In loving memory of Master Sensei Joseph R. Richardson

Please don't say that I gave up, just say that I gave in; don't say I lost the battle, for it was God's war to lose or win; please don't say how good I was, but that I did my best; just say I tried to do what's right, to give the most I could, not less; please don't give me wings or halos, that's for God to do; I want no more hat I deserve, no extras, just my due; please don't give flowers, or talk in real hushed tones; don't be concerned about me now, I'm well with God,I've made it home; don't talk about what could have been, it's over and it's done, just see to all my family's needs, especially the little ones; when you draw a picture of me, don't draw me a saint ;I've done some good, I've done some wrong, so use all your paint; not just the bright and light tines, use some grey and dark; in fact, don't put me on canvas, paint me in your heart; don't just remember the good times, but remember all the bad; for life is full of many things, some happy and some sad, but if you must do something then I have one request: forgive me  for the wrongs I've done, and with the love that's left, Thank God for my soul's resting, thank God for all who loved me, praise God who loved me best.

Daddy

The first thing that comes to my mind is that my daddy was funny! He laughed about everything. He LOVED children's company more that adult because he said that they were honest. My dad LOVED his family, near and far. He always answered the phone saying, I knew you would cal cause i was thinking of you. I know where he went, but saying goodbye is no easy task. I wanted just one more laugh, one more,"Hey grandma!" One more pep talk. He told me I was stronger than I thought and now I don't know about that. He was the first man to take me on a walk along the beach. The first man to have a candle light dinner with and taught me how I should be treated. He also showed me how to kick someone's butt if they tried me! Thank you for the karate! Daddy was the coolest man I knew! He would walk into a room of strangers and come out with a bunch of new friends! He told me that real women don't curse,(it is unattractive). He said that,no, is not always a bad thing. He said that he and I had a divine connection and I know we do. Compassion was something I know I got from my daddy. If you cried, he did too! If you were angry, he was even the more! There will NEVER be another like him! I LOVE YOU DADDY!!!!!

Get in the Moment

We have a problem folks. A lot of the time our mind is on automatic and we are jumping ahead of ourselves or fixated in the past. We do not STAY IN THE MOMENT! It has been told to us in the scriptures that all things are made new and to forget those past things. When you get to the place where we realize that we are not in control of tomorrow, life could proceed easier.

In Jeremiah 1:5 God let's us know that before we were formed in our mothers' womb, He knew us, ordained us and called us. You are not who you think you are. God speaks into eternity, not into time. In the spirit, there is no time. I will say it one more time for you," God is not limited in time!"
Your mind is a TOOL; it is not WHO you are.
We have to start to live in each moment. Do not let your past limit you or the present worry you. Stay in the moment!

Watch this!

Beyond what you see

Sometimes I find myself in a place where I hear all the bad things that were said to me over a lifetime. It is hard, let no one lie to you, to get past a lot of things that a lot of us have been through. Letting Go to some people mean lying about what made you who you are. I am not a product of my environment, but I was affected by it. When you take a look at people what do you see? Really? Take a hard look. You would be amazed at what some have survived and came past or through in a short while. That person that standing before you looking all sharp and clean and tall and confident is a mess on the inside. They are still a child who is hurt and lonely and unsure of themselves. They are looking for acceptance and love. Some have turned to desperate measures to insure that they get a piece of hope. They are hoping that you look at the outside long enough to be fooled into caring. They hope that you don't ask too many questions because then you would not want to be around them at all. You will discover that they are hiding still. Please take time to look beyond these superficial relationships that we partake in. Who is it that you like or love, really? Does it have any conditions? Are you gonna be there when the real them shows up?

Pray with me:
God, creator of all, please give me the courage to look into myself to see what I hide from others, while discovering the gift that is here in me,and give me the strength to be there for my friends and family who come to me for support at their times of need. Lord let me grow to be healed from all the things my past has influenced. Help me move froward so that I may be used for your work.
In Jesus Name Amen

****Wrap your arms around yourself now and squeeze. He loves you that much, if it were just you here, He would have STILL done it!****

Written in the sand

I had never heard the story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery put this way, so today is a first for me.(paraphrased from a sermon by Bishop Eddie L. Long)

As Jesus was kneeling in the sand next to the woman caught RED HANDED in the act of adultery, while her accusers and the crowd watched, he began scribbling in the sand.
Just imagine "Bob", leaning over His shoulder, looking at what Jesus is writing, and the "Brother Steve", and they back away with a look of shock on their faces. "What is He writing?"Deacon Jack asks as he takes a peak and sees Jesus scribbling his secrets and transgression before his very eyes. One by one, when people stepped up to look, they turned away, dropping their stones.
When Jesus looked around after stating that whomever is without sin, cast the first stone, no one remained except the woman.
This is where I love Jesus the most! He doesn't ask where, why,or how? He looks at her and says,"Go and sin no more!"

(Here is where I wanna throw my wig off and shout)
He simply erases whatever he was writing in the sand with simple sweep of the hand or foot.
That is just how He does us everyday. Talking about mercy and grace.